Books I will NEVER Read. Ever.

I don't consider myself a picky person. 

*ignores as family bursts into hysterical laughter*

Ok. Correction: I'm not a picky reader. 

 

This is NOT me.

Do I prefer leather-bound books to my Kindle? Of course.

Do I enjoy a romp into Jane Austen-land? Naturally.

Do sonnets by Shakespeare speak to my soul? Damn skippy.

But life is too short to box yourself into one literary niche. Therefore, I try my best to be as open-minded as humanly possible. More often then not, I'm pleasantly surprised by the amount of wonderful writing that exists in genres that aren't as "classy" or "high-brow" as their "intellectually superior" compatriots. 

BUT... *dramatic pause* Everyone has their limits.

There exists some books that you couldn't pay me to poke with a very long stick. Quite frankly, my dear, I'd rather drink bleach. To quote T-Swift: "I will Never Ever...Read these books EVER." Period.

Books I will Never Read.

 

1. 50 Shades of Grey series

Do I seriously need to explain this one? I have family and friends alike who loved these books. And they're entitled to their own opinions. No problem.

But I have one serious issue with the series (one of many...). And really, all other arguments in support of this series should die at the feet of this one fact alone: It was originally written as Twilight fan fiction. TWILIGHT. Need I say more?! Because I can. 

 

2. Mortal Instrument series

I'll admit it: I tried the Koolaid a few years ago. Started the first book, City of Bones... didn't make it past the first chapter before immediately tossing it into the DNR pile.

15 year olds in a club (on a Sunday no less!), with neon-colored hair, doing lines and having sex in bathrooms and storage closets, with demons, angels, freaks, lip-piercings...  Am I tripping on acid?! Here's a quote from the beginning of City of Bones:

They were dancing... in a space between a group of teenage boys in metallic corsets, and a young Asian couple who were making out passionately... A boy with a lip piercing and a teddy bear backpack was handing out free tablets of herbal ecstasy.

3. All-Encompassing Romance -  i.e. cover with shirtless man possessively holding barely dressed woman // cover with shirtless man riding horse // cover with shirtless man flexing // cover with-I just gagged in my mouth.

We all know why these sell. And it ain't because of the riveting plot twists. This is basically book porn for women. That's just my professional opinion. And if that's your thing, YOU DO YOU. Just not my cup of tea. 

There you have it! You have my solemn vow that these books will never grace the hallowed ground that is my bookshelf.

In nomine Patris et Filii et Spiritus Sancti. Amen.